Shengliver’s Note: The English language has been functioning as a lingua franca in this global village. Knowing the language enables the knower to communicate with people from a different culture. The number of English learners has been on the increase the world over. Nowhere else in the world is the number greater than in China. Nothing is wrong with learning a foreign language. It is a personal endeavour. If you like it, you do it. If you go about it the right way, you learn it better. But things are more complicated than that in China. English language learning, on this ancient land, is being abused and misused, politicised and demonised. Recently one of my epals, Mr Farmer, has been commenting on learning and teaching English in China in his Chinese blog. Some of his opinions should be heeded. Money cannot buy us quick fixes and we learn English not to beat foreign devils. This entry, first written in 2007 for April Fool’s Day, is intended as a joke. Do not send in any money and do not send in any mail. If you like, laugh out loud.


Are you a learner of the English language in China? Are you troubled by the crazy language and its crazier pronunciation and intonation? Are you eager to acquire the London accent in a month? If you have answered three YESES, come over and join a growing number of learners all over China in experiencing our newly-developed AF English Mouth!!!


Our team, which consists of language experts, physiologists, IT engineers and material scientists, has been toiling day and night in the past decade to develop this AF English Mouth. Before we started off the project, we had conducted a survey of Chinese learners of English all over the country, from Beijing to Shanghai, from Mohe to Haikou and from Zhejiang to Xinjiang. The findings of the survey revealed that a new learning gadget was in great demand here in this country. 98% of the people surveyed agreed that none of the present teaching or learning methods and methodologies available in PRC is not expensive, inefficient and stupid, be it Crazy English, New Oriental or Old Oriental. They all wished to have a gadget which could assist them in their efforts to learn to speak English the English way or rather the Londonish way, quickly. They felt they spoke with a heavy Chinese accent even after they have learned the language from kindergarten to the present. “The Chinalised accent is stupid, stupid, stupid,” they all exclaimed.


Hence our product. Our linguists studied the English sounds meticulously and they found none of the English sounds exists in the Chinese system. Our physiologists put the Chinese mouth and the English speaking organ side by side and they found there were sharp differences between the two. The Chinese can’t speak the Londonish way simply because the mouth in Beijing differs from that in London. Crazy English offers kind of a solution—they guarantee to train your oral muscles the English way in their adverts, but to be honest their solution is no solution at all. You spend the money and you still end up with the stupid work of repeating, repeating and repeating the English sounds, straining your Chinese speaking organs all along. It is uncomfortable, unnatural and painful. How many Chinese learners have succeeded by following their methods? Very few.


Therefore, our physiologists and our IT experts collaborated closely with each other. The physiologists provided the IT experts with data about the differences between the two-style mouths. Then the computer engineers put the statistics into a computing system. This system in turn automatically produced a model in the 3-D format on the monitor on the basis of the data. Actually this model would precisely fit the oral cavity of a typical Londoner. Next, if you would like to learn a word, say “English”, you push a button on the screen and the Model moves exactly the way a Londoner moves his mouth when saying this word.


Well, that is just the first step of our R and D. What followed cost our corporation a fortune, which is the reason why our product may appear a bit expensive to the readers for the present. Our material scientists spent countless days and nights trying to locate a perfect material which would be used to turn the virtual 3-D model into a tangible product. The final product would have to be soft and flexible. It would have to fit a human mouth perfectly. Finally they put several ingredients together, one of which was obtained from the moon thanks to China’s Space Programme, and came up with a perfect synthesized material for our model.


Our production line was put into operation after all the above steps had been done. With a computer in command of the workshop, the perfect synthesized material was turned magically into the AF English Mouth, the product we are now able to offer to you, language learners here in China.


How is it used? Couldn’t be simpler. You needn’t spend long hours repeating the sounds any more. Every evening, after dinner, before you go to bed, it is the best time to use the product. Each workout should take a quarter, it is recommended. You put the English Mouth into your mouth and turn on the smart mini-computer that goes with it. On the computer monitor, choose any English sounds, words, sentences or even long passages and then, click on them. The EM will gracefully take your mouth along with its movements and the desired sounds are produced perfectly by YOUR MOUTH. It is accurate, and your Chinese mouth will in time be turned into an English one. Think about it, buddy! The cutting edge of our EM is that the process of turning a Chinese mouth into an English one is effortless, fast, accurate and automatic. If applied in the right way and regularly, it may help you pick up the London accent in no more than 30 days. 30 days! Think about it!! Compared with current methods circulating among learners of English in China, it is just the blink of an eye.


We do not have a large stock of the English Mouth for now. It will be quite some time before more of the perfect material can be synthesized, because we are running short of the element originating from the moon. Action now and you will be lucky enough to be one of the first users of the EM, a gadget that is revolutionising English language learning and teaching in China.


Price: 1,345 RMB yuan

We accept pay by check, by cash, and by postal order.


Address: 873 Lingua Road, VW Town, PRC, 4568392

First come, first served.


To contact the General Manager, dial 0974 – 7563932 and when you are through, ask to talk with Shengliver.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: